Even more from the Joke of the Week Archives:
A guy in a diner says, "Hey, this coffee tastes likemud!" The waitress responds, "that doesn't surprise me.It was just ground this morning."
As he is shown into the cell of a death-row inmate, a prisonchaplin intones, "the warden is allowing you five minutes ofgrace before they hang you."
"That's not much time," replies the condemned man,"but send her in!"
Q: What's the difference between the North Pole and the SouthPole?
A: All the difference in the world.
Q: Why does it take a runner longer to get from second base tothird than it does from first to second?
A: Because between second and third there is a shortstop.
Q: What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
A: National Dyslexics Association.
(courtesy of Marvin Schnall)
Did you hear about the illegitimate bowl of Rick Krispies? Ithas a Snap and a Crackle, but no Pop.
A U.S. woman was traveling in a Latin American dictatorship.She asked a local, "Tell me, sir, what is the national sportin this country?" The native replied, "That would bebullfighting, ma'am."
"Why!", gasped the woman, " that'srevolting!"
"No, ma'am," responded the local, "that's thesecond national sport!"
One day, while out flying, Peter Pan realized his keys weremissing, due to a hole in his pocket. He flew down to Earth,searching all over for his errant keychain. He wondered why henever heard the jangling of keys when they landed... until hecame to the realization that when the keys fell from his pocketthey floated away...
... because after all, these are Peter Pan's keys; theywill Never-never land...
(courtesy of Walter Mitchell)
Q:What do you get when you play a Country 'n' Western songbackwards? A: You get your job back, your wife back, your carback, and you sober up.
Q: How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
A: First, take your foot off his head...
Did you hear Buckwheat became a Muslim? His new name is Kareemof Wheat.
While walking his beat one day, a policeman is approached by aman and a penguin. The man says to him "Officer, I don'tknow what to do. This penguin keeps following me." Notwanting to be bothered with the paperwork involved in dealingwith this situation, the policeman tells him, "just takethat penguin to the zoo." The next day the policeman seesthe man and the penguin again. He approaches the man and says"Hey, I thought I told you to take that penguin to thezoo." The man replies, "I did... today I'm taking himto the movies!"
A couple walked into a fancy restaurant. The maitre' de asked"do you have reservations?" The guy replied "Yes,but we want to eat here anyway."
An Australian went on walkabout and came upon a little towncalled Mercy. While in Mercy, he came upon a luncheonette, andasked the counter-person “Let’s have a Foster’s,mate.” The counter-man said “Oh, we don’t servebeer here. I’ll bring you some of our special blend oftea.” The explorer took a look at the tea, which had bigbrown clumps in it, and said “Yeech. What is this?” Thecounter-man said “it’s our special tea made from themeat of Koala bears.” Yes”, replied the man, “butwhy the big brown clumps? Shouldn’t the tea at least bestrained?” “Ah”, said the counter-man, “TheKoala-tea of Mercy is not strained.”
A monastery once prepared for a visit from the archbishop.They decided to pull out all stops; for dinner they made theirfamous fish and chips, a dish this monastery was renowned for.The archbishop loved it. He was so moved by how the fish andchips tasted that he went to the refectory to compliment thechief. He saw a monk there and asked, "Pardon me, are youthe fish Friar?" "No", he replied, "I'm thechip Monk."
A string walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.The bartender says "Get out, we don't like strings inhere." So the string leaves. While outside, the stringdecides to try a different tact. He scuffs himself up, unravelshimself, and ties himself in a knot. Feeling sufficientlydisguised, he goes back into the bar. The bartender says "Itold you, we don't like your kind in here. You're a string.""No", replies the string, "I'm a frayed knot!"
Q: What did the bald man say when he received a comb for hisbirthday? A: Thanks, I'll never part with it.