Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground Beef.
Q: What's the leading cause of dry skin?
A: Towels.
Did you hear the joke about the bed?
Sorry, it hasn't been made up yet...
After attending the funeral of an
esteemed colleague, three lawyers decide to toast to remember
their departed friend at their favorite pub.
After commiserating a while, the first
lawyer admits, "You know, I let my superstition get the
better of me, and I placed a ten-dollar bill in our pal's coffin
to help him pay his passage across the river Jordan."
The second lawyer chimes in and says,
"Hey, I saw you do that and I didn't want to be out-done, so
I, also, threw in a ten-spot."
"I did one better," boasts the
third attorney. "I wrote a check for thirty dollars, and
took the two tens as change!"
Q: What's the difference between a cigarette and a
suppository?
A: If you don't know, I'll never send you out for a pack of
cigarettes!
Q: What do you get when you cross a collie and a pit bull?
A: A dog that will run for help after biting your arm off.
A couple of Florida yentas are having a meal at an early-bird special. The first yenta says, "Yuk! The food here is just terrible." "Yeah," agrees the second one, "and such small portions!"
Once there was an Hawaiian king whose hobby was
collecting thrones, which he stored in the attic of his hut.
Unfortunately, this hobby became an obsession, and greed got the
better of him, when the weight of the thrones in the attic caused
the grass structure to collapse. The thrones ended up falling
upon the king, killing him instantly.
The moral of this story: "Those who live in grass houses
shouldn't stow thrones."
I'd like to share with you the first joke I ever
remember hearing (when I was about five years old):
Q: What do you get when Batman and Robin are run over by a steam
roller?
A: Flatman and Ribbon.
A doctor's receptionist says to the doctor,
"Doctor, the Invisible Man is in the waiting room."
The doctor replies, "Tell him I can't see him right
now."
A spoon runs into a fork and asks, "Hey, who was that ladle I saw you with last night?" The fork replies, "That was no ladle. That was my knife!"
Did you hear about the new Shakespearean aspirin?
They come in capulets.
Q: What do you call a bunch of bragging chess enthusiasts in a
theatre lobby?
A: Chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Did you hear about the psychiatrist and proctologist who
shared office space?
They put up a sign that read, "Specializing in Odds and
Ends."
A guy returns to the office from lunch and says to a friend,
"Hey, guess what. I just gave a dollar to charity."
"Which charity?", the friend queried.
"Does the Salvation Army ring a bell?!"
Q: What do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft?
A: A-flat Miner.
Q: How come they call the back of a bridal gown a train?
A.: Because the groom is about to be railroaded!
(Ah! The ties that bind!)
Q: Why do radio announcers have such small hands?
A: "Wee paws for station identification."
Q: What do you get when you cross Elsie the Cow and D. W.
Griffith?
A: Lactose Intolerance.
Q: What did the fish say when it hit the wall?
A: Dam!
